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For the PLUS weeks I've made an animation about how I feel from time to time. Whenever this way of feeling ''pops up'', I literally feel disconnected from my body mind and soul, which (I) puts a lot of pressure on my thoughts. I try working on this every day.

ARTISTS / ART WORKS THAT I LIKE

''POINTS EN COMMUN''

''When I woke up in the morning, the feeling was still there''

Mending myself by creating a story roadmap about my way of working. So that I start learning and become aware about the proces of my Creative Ability whenever I start working on a project.

I want to visualize this by writing a poem or a story about the steps that I take everytime I start working on a project. I want to record this poem with my own voice, and listen/see how I see myself, telling my story. Also I want to create my own DATABASE of artists and artworks that I like so I can have a big overview of my interests and use it for inspiration. This website is part of my project.

Sometimes I feel like I cannot fully count on my own ideas or thoughts whenever I start working on a project, or when I'm in the middle of it. This gives me a lot of negative energy.

For the Competence Assessment I've received the feedback, that I should start working on becoming more aware of my Creative Ability: how do I work? And how do I analyze my work by Reflecting it Critically?

I am very critical about myself and my work: but so critical that I see them as failures instead of things that can be improved.

That's why I want to mend myself by start working on this.

This DATABASE is made because many times I forget who I am as a maker, and where I want to go with my work. This is for myself. So that I have something to look back on when I feel disconnected from myself.

I feel like I'm not doing the right things, because I'm doing things I'm not good at or haven't really done before. But then again I want to become better at them (writing, drawing, reflecting). Also thinking about the idea that people get to see this makes me feel a little ashamed because it doesn't look good and I feel like everything needs to be much better. I noticed that everytime I'm doing something that doesn't feel right: I want to stop or delete it immediately, which is actually a kind of weird since these are also attempts of getting to my end result during my working proces.
This project feels very personal, but I'm kinda okay with that and talking about it because I feel like I'm getting to know myself better by also getting feedback on this mending myself project.

I literally tried to mend myself and my way of thinking. I tried to change my perspective on myself and to not be so harsh on myself every time when I feel like I'm not doing te right thing and just continue working on it instead of deleting or quitting the creation I'm working on. I came to the conclusion that I care too much about the outcome of my projects and the opinions of others. I focus on these two things a little too much, and I forget to think about the things that actually matter way more: my feelings. Every time I've created something that I wasn't fully proud of (I'm actually never really proud), I feel so ashamed and I'm awaiting so much for reactions; just to be sure if I did/am doing the right thing? After this Practice a lot of things have become clear for myself and I want to keep working on that, by reminding myself that failing is also learning and that I shouldn't see it as something so extremely bad. I need to make room for improvements and see them as something waaaaay more important than wanting to have a perfect outcome because I want it to look good.

If I look at these artworks and artist, I wish to become that good as a creator. I want to make works like the ones aboves. I try to use my interests and inspiration a lot in my own work, but it never feels a like. Never as good as the works you can see above. This bothers me a lot, but then again: I'm still learning right?

DON'T FORGET TO SCROLL DOWN ;)

Whenever I start working on a project, in the beginning everything goes well. I get super excited, can't wait to start working on it and I just feel so happy. The opening of a project isn't my problem. The problem, of me feeling disconnected from myself, starts when I feel like I'm not doing the right thing. I have so many things in my head when I start working on a project, and on my proces of this project. But whenever I have something in my head, and it turns out not how I thought it would be or totally different, that's the moment I get stuck. At that very moment I feel like I can not depend on my own thought anymore, because everything just feels wrong. That's when the insecurity pops up, and I start feeling more and more disconnected from myself and the people around me. Because then it feels like I don't fit in anymore. When this happens I really want to talk with people to get my positive and self-assured feeling back, but at that moment I don't know how to explain myself because my negative thoughts are all over me. I feel like I can not be myself at these moments and then I just don't know what to do. All because I care too much about failing.

Excitement. Ready to work on this practice because I really love working on Social Practices. This practice really spoke to me because of the lessons we got for it as well. Super interesting and wide for any perspective. Also I was very excited to meet other people from different studies, and see what they were up too and how they
interpret this practice.